I wake up, 2 am, sweating, breathing heavily. I sit up, try to focus with my blurry eyes, I look around. I’m in my bed. Noah is, as always, sleeping on our feet, just like a little cat, almost invisible. Nils is snoring lightly. I sigh in relief – it was only a dream. My windows10explained.com plane didn’t crash. I wasn’t stabbed by a scary-looking guy in a dark alley. A wild raging tiger didn’t eat me alive in the jungle. And I don’t have cancer. And then I go back to sleep, peaceful in the knowledge my life is as it should be: just perfect.
Since I’ve started to shoot for the 1177.se new cancer information page, I’ve been having these nightmares. That I’m dying. I don’t know if it’s the not believing I can be one of the lucky ones that get to live a happy life for ever after, or if it’s just the pure fear of death. Of not being here anymore. My love for life has always made me afraid of dying. I don’t want to leave the party. I want to stay. Forever. Then I started my thing for vampires, and angels, and rebirth therapy. Everything worked out as I planned until l I had children. Then the fear came back. Stronger than ever.
It might have been all of that that brought me to working with my Essence Vitae project. I didn’t want to be one of those who starts with a project after a traumatic personal experience or a near traumatic death in the family. I wanted to help out. Because I could. Because I was one of the lucky ones and I felt, awkwardly enough, not worthy. Why me? Why would little me have all this luck? Maybe I could ”pre-thank” the universe, I wanted to help out. And by helping out, I ended up understanding that I was the one who needed help. I ended up meeting all these amazing people with amazing stories and amazing strength. People who teach me, not only how to appreciate even more what I have, but how not to fear what I’m afraid of.
Life is here, life is what it is, and we have a choice:
we can either accept our fate and live with it the best way we can, or just give up and make other peoples’ lives miserable in the process.
Linda is one of these life-teachers. Mother-of-four Linda. Invincible Linda. Linda who has Breast Cancer. I read about her when I was doing a little research before shooting Lotta Gray. A few things touch me like a lighting bolt striking a single tree in the desert. And when that happens, I know I have to listen.I felt the urge of running to her and just giving her a warm long hug. For her will-power. For her strength. For her warm smile. For sending me a electric current of life that just pierced my soul.
A few days later I got on a train and left for Habo. I didn’t care that it was in the middle of my high-season. I didn’t care that I had tons of deadlines. I just had to go. I turned off my phone, turned on my computer on Spotify and just left. I’m thankful I did it and thankful I got to spend a couple of hours with Linda and her beautiful family. It turned out to be absolutely magic weather which gave us the most beautiful light we could wish for. And today Linda got the prize as the year’s Mama’s Hero. Yes, Linda. You are a hero. You are a hero for having the power of sharing your life with us everyday, as well as your fears and moments of joy. Even though you are fighting a dragon with a smile.
I do hope your smile will show the dragon its power! Thanks for sharing a few hours of your life with me. Here you have my ode to Linda. Tons of love waves to you and congratulations on your prize, nobody could deserve it more.